Had a rough couple of days thanks to chronic migraine attack and the lovely nausea that comes with it.  Had been trying to stay away from  E. R. but as I was going into the third day of them I gave up on that effort.

MS wise everything about the same, memory gaps, fatigue and whatnot.  I don’t fret the balance stuff much these days as I can manage that by leaning on stuff.  I bet you could spot MS suffers by how close they hug walls, it’s my Spider-Man skill these days, second nature.

I see the MS Neurologist in a few weeks.  Doubt much will happen as I haven’t had any new MRI since late last year.  I don’t feel like my MS medicine is a right fit for me but I don’t have the guts to question my MS Neurologist about it.

Generally speaking I have more MS Exacerbations than relapses if I understand correctly.  While my symptoms get progressively worse from time to time, I haven’t presented new symptoms.  New symptoms equals relapse. The thing is though when it’s you having the Exacerbations new symptoms or just increase of old ones really doesn’t matter.

I have read other people feeling the same way.  I guess it’s like you have a wound that gets band-aided but just keeps getting reopened.  Sure you might not have a new wound but that doesn’t mean that the band-aid resolved the original wound.

The more I read about MS and the more I fight it myself the more of a mystery it is to me. Of course reading other people’s stories and relating just brings more to light.  You might not really think much about muscle spasms and keep it to yourself so you don’t seem like a hypochondriac when you visit the doctor, but what really is important to mention and what isn’t?

I worked in IT all my adult life. Data and tracking information has been second nature to me, so trying to study about my illness via the Internet has only been natural.  The problem is with MS having so many quirks it is hard to really gather valid information to apply to your own condition.

For me memory has been my biggest worry. I lost a Grandmother who was the sharpest person I knew to Alzheimer’s. Everytime my wife or daughter mention full conversations or events and I don’t recall them and get upset with myself I think of my Grandmother’s decline.  MS and Alzheimer’s are different but share some similarities enough that it worries me.

I don’t drink or do drugs, never have because I always want to be at the cockpit so to speak.  I never understood the fascination of blacking out or being forgetful on purpose. I don’t consider myself smart but I do like to be able to at least pretend to be of at least normal intellect, and I figure it best to not do intoxicating activities partly because I don’t handle moderation very well, and partly because I want to ick out whatever couple of I. Q. points I can.  Having a family that raised me to avoid those activities also was a huge factor.

So of my symptoms, I can handle not being able to walk a tight rope, or even a moderately straight line.  I can handle the fact that I am a grown man that has a problem with drooling.  I can deal with not being nearly as strong as I wish.  Physical stuff really has never been a passion for me, other than the couple of good years when I ran in 5K races.

No, it’s not being able to think straight, or recall well.  It’s not being able to remember some of the awesome moments of my daughter’s life.  The little moments that escape me.   It’s the feeling I have had when I am in a parking lot and not just looking for my car, but completely drawing a blank on where I am, and what I was needing to do.

It’s the constant worry of if I will have a Migraine attack.  Will I be able to function if I do. Always worrying in the back of my mind what might trigger one.

It’s the fact that I can’t stand to be in the heat. It’s not just a displeasure but it really makes me physically sick.  Sure everyone else may feel like spring weather but between 75 to 80 I know that I am going to have issues.

Well I have vented more than I wanted, as usual.  While I don’t have a lot of pain outside migraines and nausea, my hands aren’t as good for long Journaling like I try to do, so instead I blog to the world, but that’s the way of modern humans isn’t it.  We pound on a small screen to send our personal notes around the world because we can’t stand the bother of handwriting anymore.

Funny thing is that while my handwriting is chicken scratch to most, at least it’s my chicken scratch. I guess emoj are the new chicken scratch maybe?